| By Kristina McMorris | June 30, 2009 |
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS…
And my sons (age 5 and 3) are certainly no exceptions.
Our travel morning had started off miraculously well. I’d managed to get our munchkins out of bed, had them dressed, fed, teeth brushed, and buckled into the car (yes, even remembered to buckle them this time) all by the ungodly hour of 7am for a trip to see the in-laws. With my hubby at the wheel (elated to actually be on schedule this time), we parked in the long-term lot, checked our bags, and stood in line for the metal detector with an uncharacteristic sense of calm. The security ticket checker, a somewhat stout, masculine-looking woman, greeted our children with a smile. All was going so well, until….
My eldest son tipped his head, nose scrunched in a puzzled expression, and said to the woman, “You’re kinda strange. You’re short and you look like a girl–but not.”
And just like that, our naive feeling of serenity disappeared.
God clearly has a sense of humor. Thankfully, so did the ticket checker–although I’m fairly certain she only heard the “short” portion of the evaluation, based on her laughter and reply.
So what did we do? The same thing any successful writer does when faced with yet another unexpected blockade in the insane literary biz: plaster on a smile, taut enough to contain the internal screams of dread, then stand tall and march onward.
Ironically enough, each time something like this happens (oh, yes, this was not the first), I am reminded of what essential element above all others makes fiction writing great: honesty. A compelling story does not emerge on the scene without honesty in both plot and characters. Writing the truth of a situation or person’s soul is, in my opinion, the key to capturing a reader’s heart.
So thanks go out to my son for the lesson. But… um, sweetheart, could you at least give Mommy fair warning before the next class begins?
And now, I ask, what about you? What crazy thing has your child (yes, this could very well mean your hubby or significant other) said or done in a public forum that made you want to crawl under a large boulder? Please, share your humiliation (think of it like online therapy) and assure me I’m not alone.
June 30th, 2009 at 3:31 am
That’s hilarious. Sans my own kidlets I’ll have to share one of my nephew’s recent gems.
A recent conversation.
Teacher: I don’t see you working
Nephew: Then close your eyes.
Subtext: Nephew has autism and this exchange was actually a huge developmental breakthrough, cheeky though it might be. I am so proud.
June 30th, 2009 at 4:53 am
Oh, Kristina, just remember: Ya gotta love ‘em. It’s illegal to kill ‘em.
I learned the hard way to be careful what you say in front of your kids; it will come back to haunt you.
Teacher (to me): I just can’t understand these children sometimes.
Daughter (to teacher): No wonder my my mom thinks you’re and idiot. Doncha, Mom?
Yeah, a real winner that. Fact is, the woman is a waste of good air, but it’s difficult to smooth rough waters when your little motor mouth insists on making waves.
Hang in, hon. I always told my kids I couldn’t strangle them because my mom didn’t strangle me. LOL
June 30th, 2009 at 6:47 am
lol, Kristina!
I would have claimed he wasn’t mine,
Just kidding. My daughter has embarrassed me plenty also! She’s told people they have big butts–right on down to announcing to the whole salon I have a mustache when I’m getting my upper lip waxed… They just love to embarrass us don’t they?
lol! Have fun!
June 30th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Kids! Gotta love ‘em.
My mom–high on pain meds at the hospital–once told a plump nurse: “You’re fat.”
The words were very clear, no mistaking what she said. I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. The nurse, God bless her, just ignored the comment and continued to look after my mom, all smiles.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:13 am
LOL, Kristina! I’ve been in that ‘wish I could just melt through the floor’ spot, more times than I can count.
One time my 3 year old had a melt down in Target, because I would not buy him a Buzz Lightyear toy. You know how it goes–the tears, the sobbing, eventually the screaming. I abandoned my cart, told him this sort of behavior was NEVER going to get him what he wanted, and carried him, kicking and screaming out to the car. As soon as we hit the parking lot he starts screaming, “Help me! Help me!” I was afraid I was going to get arrested as a kid snatcher!
Now that my kids are getting a little older, I tell them it’s my turn to embarrass them!
June 30th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Yes, indeed, from the mouths of babes comes the truth!
Julie
June 30th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Oh, lordy, where to start? (Good post, Kristina!)
When my son was 4, he often repeated things he’d seen in movies or on TV. Right before he started Pre-K, we let him watch (probably a mistake!) one of the Harry Potter movies (the one where Uncle Vernon’s sister comes to visit, insults Harry’s father, and poofs up and floats away). So what does my son do? Start walking around and telling random people, “My father is NOT a drunk!”
The best part? My husband trying to explain this to our son’s pre-K teacher at our parent-teacher conference.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:53 am
First of all, I have to apologize to the 007s for being absent from the blog since launch day…I was finishing a book, and now I’m done!
Anyway, Kristina, my boys are 5 and 3 as well, and hoo boy do I have a lot of these stories. My favorite is when my oldest was about a year old and we stopped at a McDonalds during a road trip…he had learned to put a few letter sounds together and his favorite made-up word sounded an awful lot like a four-letter word for a man-part often found in hot books. LOL
So I’m sitting at the table with him, calmly waiting for hubby to return with the food, surrounded by a bunch of truck drivers also taking a break from the road…and my baby starts yelling “c*ck!”. Loudly. Repeatedly. And all the truckers stared at me.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Congrats Avery! What a great feeling, eh?
LOL–Annette–did you tell your mom later what she’d said? I’ll bet *she* was embarrassed!
June 30th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Funny stories. I don’t have kidlets of my own, but here’s a funny story from when my oldest niece was little. She was learning to spell words, and she’d go around spelling everything out load. Well, my sister stopped to fill up the car with gas and left the window open so she could talk to my niece (or perhaps it was summer and hot, I don’t remember). Anyway, all of sudden, my niece goes, “Poop, p-o-o-p.” The person filling up with gas next to my sister got a good chuckle out of it.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Kristina, I’ve been on the other end of that kind of situation quite often. I have one of those APPLE figures the doctors all warn us about. I’ve lost count of all the times children the age of yours have horrified their mothers by asking, “Are you havin’ a baby?” It’s kind of amusing for me. I simply smile and pat the tot on the head and say, “No, sweetie, I’m just FAT!” Now that I’m old enough to be horrified by the prospect of being pregnant, I mutter a “Thank you, Lord” afterward.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I won’t even go into the many things my husband has done and said to embarrass me, but my son…I can’t decide between the time my son pointed at a midget and called him a “baby man” really loudly or when he told a woman she had big boobs.
Kelly
June 30th, 2009 at 11:01 am
My four-year-old son is always good for a moment of candor. About halfway through his sister’s interminably long ballet recital, he suddenly piped up, “Eww. What’s that smell? I think it’s those people,” pointing to the good folks seated in the row in front of us.
Then he repeated it, more loudly, just to make sure everyone in the freakin’ theater heard him.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:16 am
LOL, Kelly! Those are classic.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Laurie, you are a gem! On my own planet mom, one of the girls once pointed to a woman with a thick, raised varicose vein and said (albeit softly), “Doesn’t it look like an alien planted spider eggs under her skin?” I was like, “Huh?” and then, “Ewww.” Not sure of any inherent truths here. Perhaps we’ll chalk this one up to creativity unfiltered by the adult world.
Thanks, Kristina, for the morning chuckle.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Well, Kristina, although this “incident” is about your father, Junki, who is truly a kid-at-heart, due to his language barrier he’s been known to occasionally say the wrong thing at the wrong time – which of course our whole family has witnessed in some respect.
The first time I brought Junki home to meet my parents, my dad was standing on the top rung of a ladder, cleaning the gutters. I called up to him, “Dad, there’s someone here I want you to meet.” He glanced down, smiling and said, “I’ll be right there.” But then, taking his time, he continued what he was doing. Junki, not knowing what to do, called back up to him, “Nice to meet you, Dad.” My father nearly fell off the ladder and couldn’t get to the ground soon enough.
-Mom
June 30th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Great post, Kristina!
One of my personal favorites, courtesy of my youngest (who’d just discovered there was a difference between the genders), occurred at a restaurant with my in-laws.
Waitress: “Well hello there, cutie.”
Kepa: “You don’t have no peanuts.”
Waitress: “No, sweetie, we don’t have any peanuts. But I could get you some French fries if you’d like.”
Kepa (screwing up his face and shaking his head): “No, you don’t have no peanuts, ’cause you have a pagina.”
Ahh…such parental bliss.
Tatia
June 30th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Oh this is fun! Let me share one of my fondest memories…
We had just moved to Florida from Venezuela. My son, then a tender 9 years old, was handed a form for donations “for the poor” which he refused. When his teacher told him he was supposed to bring it home to me, he said, “No, I don’t. We are “the poor”, we should be getting the money.”
It’s been almost thirteen years and no, I don’t think I’ll ever let him forget that.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
LOL, cool story.
When my now 21-year-old son was maybe 3, we were visiting my best friend at her mother’s house, where she was visiting for the summer. We said goodbye to my friend, then I said goodbye to her mother. I told my son, “Say goodbye to Mrs. M,” and he waved across the room. “Goodbye,old lady!”
I was so embarrassed. Buckling him and my younger son into the car in the driveway, I chastised him. The mom came out, laughing, and told me not to give him heck. The poor tot was crying at this point. But she leaned in the window and said it was okay, she WAS an old lady, and he was just stating the facts.
June 30th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
LMAO! Now that my kidlings are off to school and I’ve had a chance to read these fabulous posts, I don’t even know where to begin. No need for me to comment on any particular one, because, seriously, they all made me giggle! A great way to start the day. Thanks, gals!
Btw, regarding the “fat” comment to the large nurse… well, MY son once tried to say the same thing to a large nurse as well (maybe to the same woman? Ha.), except he told her she was “flat.” Yep, with an “L.” To make things worse, she didn’t understand what he was trying to say and so asked him to elaborate. (Ugh.) He went on to tell her: “You know, FLAT. I’m saying your stomach is big because you eat too much food.”
I indeed take credit for inserting that tidbit into his young brain, but only because I once tried to explain why his pants wouldn’t fit after gorging himself with too much Mac & Cheese. Like in the game Telephone Operator, the message came out a bit different on the other side.
Thanks again for all the entertaining posts. I’m definitely printing these out!
June 30th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
This is hilarious! Thanks, Kristina!
My little guy doesn’t talk much yet (except to say his favorite phrases: “No way!” and “Go-way!” –yes, we’re practicing being 2, can’t you tell?), and my husband just doesn’t speak much. Maybe I should count myself lucky for his silence?
I promise to share when it’s “my turn”!
June 30th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Kristina, LOL. I understand how you feel–totally.
The airport seems to be the place for humiliation. When my son was three years old, we were eating a snack before boarding the plane, when he noticed a man chewing his food. It was obvious the man had no teeth from the way his jaws were moving. My son giggled and pointed at the man, then imititated the his chewing process. I wanted to crawl under the table because everything turned suddenly quiet, as if time was frozen in space. The man stopped chewing, stared at my son, then laughed out loud. Phew!
June 30th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I’m trying to refrain from commenting on every post, because they’re ALL so entertaining. But, OMG, I have to share that your post, Carolyn, made me laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes.
How on earth am I supposed to get any work done today? These are waaaay more fun than polishing a synopsis. LOL.
June 30th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
LOL! Great post, Kristina, and these are wonderful stories. I hope it’s okay to comment on some.
Trish~ I love her spelling ‘poop’ out of the blue like that.
Shelley~ alien implants make for spider veins. That’s so fabulous!
Laurie~ LOL on you responding ‘No, I’m just fat.” You’re one of the people that makes the world a better place for moms.
Tatia~ LOL on the real meaning of ‘peanuts.’ I hope the waitress howled in laughter, b/c that is FUNNY.
Somewhat along the same lines, the other day, my 4 y.o. son, while changing into his bathing suit to run around in the sprinkler, looked up proudly and said, “My penis is long. And strong!”
Azteclady~ roflol! ‘*We* are the poor.” Hahahahaha! I absolutely love that. I am still laughing as I type this.
Kristina~ Your son has a nice, concise way of explaining what he’s talking about: “I’m saying your stomach is big because you eat too much food.” LOL!
Admittedly, this is when we were by ourselves, but . . . as my son & I scrubbed the kitchen floor together one day (I try to have us do these chores together, and have fun) , he said, ‘But Mommy, if we get it too clean, it won’t look like home.”
Well, no sweetie, it won’t. And thank-you for pointing it out.
Thanks for the fun!
June 30th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Oh, Kris, how I’ve missed you. LOVE what your son said about your house. Maybe we’ll have YOUR family down for a visit, rather than the other way around. LOL.
And yes, I agree — the “peanuts” and “poor” lines totally cracked me up too!
June 30th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
We’ve all been there…when Cody was young, we used a little more psychological reasoning with him and instead of getting upset or mad, we’d just let him know we were “very ashamed” of his behavior. Of course, he managed to turn that around when he was about 3…Raymond was working on something and swore. With the innocence and honesty only capable in a young child, Cody looked straight at Raym and said “Dad, I’m so ashamed of you”. Needless to say, I walked out of the room…laughing.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Just saw my SIL who has twin 3-yr-old boys, and I had to share the story she told me:
Today, they were at the store, and one twin looks at the other and says, “I’m going to hit you but it’s going to be an accident!” LOL! Talk about premeditated!
June 30th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Great post, Kristina!
Lord, where do I start? My youngest daughter is the kid who blurts out things like this on a daily basis. I get some very interesting phone calls from school.
Here are just a few of the memorable ones…
It was 4th of July and we were coming home from seeing the fireworks and we were packed on a metro train. The guy standing nearby was a 6′5″ bald black man with a shaved head, an earring and a patch over his eye and Izzy said, “Hey Mom, look! It’s a pirate! Then she asked him where his parrot was.
Then there was the time she walked in on me when I was changing into my nightgown and said “When I grow up, I home my boobs aren’t as long as yours.”
When she was 4, my mother was going on and on about how happy she was to have found a passion flower plant. Izzy said that maybe she should take it home so she and Pop could have a good time.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Hee, hee. Funny stories. The first one that came to mind was when my son was a toddler and he announced to the nice but rather heavily pierced checkout guy, “My daddy doesn’t wear earrings, why do you?”
June 30th, 2009 at 10:46 pm
What a fun day it’s been, chuckling at all these posts. Thanks again, everyone! Maybe one of these days we should vote for the worst one. LOL.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
These posts are so funny
When my daughter was, I don’t know three or four, she had a runny nose, so dad was trying to explain to her about hay fever. She says to him, “Daddy, I have a fever in my nose!” He thought it was so cute, when I got home from work he told her to tell me what she had in her nose. She looked up at me very puzzled and said, “snot?” LOL. We’ve never forgotten that.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Wow, you all have a lot of great stories! thanks for the laughs.
Fun post, Kristina!
June 30th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Hi Kristina …
These are funny, and it reminds me of when my son Ryan was about 4 years old. His favorite “evening” babysitter was in the Miss Oregon Teen pagent and we went to watch. All the contestants had been paraded out in their gowns, to stand in front of the crowd. Ryan was standing in the chair next to me so he could see. The announcer had just quit talking and the whole room was amazingly quite. Suddenly out of the blue, Ryan sniffed a few times and then stated quite clearly, and rather loudly I must admit …
“Oh Mom, somebody farted”.
Talk about wanting to crawl under a rock. I think everyone in the damn place heard the comment. Snickers erupted around us, and I said a small “Thank you God” that he didn’t say “Hey Mom, you just farted”. And for the record, it wasn’t me … but I did feel pretty sorry for the person that launched that particular one, as it was quite a nasty one. By this time, it was very obvious that someone around us had infact farted!
Out of the mouths of babes!